Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Little Triggers....

Where to begin...

We have been free of Hope's night terrors for about eight weeks now, until last night. Usually I am pretty good about spotting the little triggers that could set her off.

Being overly tired, a Chinese man that looks like someone from her SWI, a stern looking Asian woman, some sort of discipline that she didn't think she deserved. (that's a whole nother' post y'all) Our girl is one stubborn, always right, type A personality. (but we love her that way!!)

I didn't recall any of those from yesterday,well maybe the older Chinese gentleman we saw around town. But he was very nice and soft spoken, so I didn't think anything of that. She did go to bed late last night. We didn't do our usual routine so maybe that was it.

Sometimes it's just that it hasn't been a while and she will get a truly crazy night terror. One that even has me in tears. Last night happened to be one of those nights. It was rough. Usually

I get angry, not at Hope but at the situation. The fact that whatever she experienced in China has affected her so much that she is continuing to have nightmares about it three and a half years later. These are not pretty and I am positive it is a result of her time in the SWI.

Sometimes they are mild, she will moan in her sleep and say a couple "no, no" type things. Not last night, last night started out with cries, not just an "I'm scared" cry but a loud painful help me cry. I went into her room and she is sitting up with her feet twitching, the muscles in her calf's are rock hard and she is crying. Her eyes are open but she doesn't focus on any one thing.
I try to speak to her softly. Sometimes that will work, just soothingly say "it's ok" over and over again.

Not last night, she cried, huge crocodile tears running down her face. Hope has never been one to cry loudly, it's more of a sad silent cry. Breaks your heart knowing she was probably told not to cry. I sat there on the edge of her bed listening to her talk to herself over and over. Trying to get whatever was hurting her to stop. She was in pain, be it real or not she was in real pain.

I can guess that maybe it had something to do with the way they treated her club foot. She came to us with scarring on her ankles and we were told they did "stretching" therapy. Sometimes multiple times a day.

I do know she was 2 years old at adoption and she was only 16 pounds, had never had solid food and still to this day has gag reflexes caused by this. I also know that whatever they did for her treatment has caused major night terrors and night mares that will probably be with her for life.

I see her go through these and there isn't a thing I can do. Last night she happened to look at me once and say "Mama, it hurts, please make it stop". How do you handle that? How do you make something stop that isn't real anymore? I can reassure her, I can say I will never let anyone hurt you again, but really, can I? I have no idea what she is experiencing. Last night was sort of a break though, she spoke to me. Usually she doesn't, most times she isn't awake and doesn't come out of it. Most times she will have her eyes open but doesn't focus, even though I am right there.

It isn't easy and it's not for the faint of heart. I just have to accept that there are things I will never know about. And honestly, I am not sure I want to know.

Hope is such a happy go lucky outgoing person, it hurts to think she has suffered like that. And that I can't make it better.


Barbie said...

Oh man, I am praying Desiree. It is so hard not knowing all of their story but I am so thankful she has you in her life now for comfort. I am right there with you with Ryan. It's tough and yet I am so thankful he is here. Safe.

Holly said...

Praying that the Lord gives you wisdom and grace and HEALING for your precious daughter!

a Tonggu Momma said...

Oh, that is so hard. Hugs to you and your sweet little girl.

Steve and Jan said...


I feel for you. Olivia has had some really bad night terrors over the years. She hasn't had one in a quite a while, so I am hoping they will not return. I, too, can usually determine what might have set one off. As she's gotten older, they are usually brought on by stress......moving.....school, etc. I am a little concerned that they may be being replaced with sleep walking. She has recently had a few episodes of that. From what I've read, sleep walking is common in people who have suffered from night terrors. Time will tell, I guess.

Tess doesn't have night terrors, but she cannot look at early photos of herself without being brought to tears. I don't know if it's a memory, the cleft lip that bothers her or, the photos after surgery....just not sure. She really won't say....yet. I hope one day she will be able to tell us what upsets her about them.

Sounds like Tess and Hope have very similar personalities. I wish they could have spent some time together after they came home.

I will be praying for you. I know first-hand how heart-wrenching night terrors can be. I have been reduced to tears many times.


Mike and Rhonda said...

Hannah Grace has them as well. We have night mares or night terrors about every other night. It is very very hard. It is harder on us than them because they do not remember the night terrors.

HG fights something or somebody. My mother's heart just cannot go there to even imagine who or what.

I understand how you feel. It does break you heart, you do get angry, you are exhausted,you read, and you try everything.

The only thing that has helped is to do nothing. The IAC told us to not even go in the room if we can see she is OK in the monitor. The more interaction, the worse the terror becomes.

Desiree, this breaks my heart for you and Hope. I cannot imagine what she went through as a baby. I know how your heart breaks!

Julie said...

Sarah has those pains at night too. It is so hard. I am sorry this is still going on.